Coffee just the way I like it.

He has a way of engulfing everything and leaving me suffocating.  I am not sure how he does it or when he does it, but when I break free for a moment of freedom I can feel his release.

Sharing to him means he now controls it.  He moves mirrors in the truck and leaves the seat back without consideration of anyone or anything.  He sits with his body slanted and his legs spread wide with no thought of how much space he takes or how little space he leaves.  He laughs at complaints that he sleeps cockeyed in the bed leaving me unable to straighten my legs all night long.  He actually thinks I am joking.

He is so comfortable in his world just the way he requires it he scarcely bothers to notice those of us that find ourselves trapped inside his chaotic control.  He is the ambulance chaser, lead gossiper, and the one that forces himself to the center of the party and gets upset if no one notices him.

He is a presence easily noticed and hard to forget.  But like an empty smile he wanders though this world distracted by shiny things and never looking at the foundation with dirt and scratches on it.  He is easily lead by the crowd, but stands taller and firmer if he is left to fugue alone.  After all, it is always done his way.  Only an idiot would do it a different way.

He is what he is.  Us, the world, must take him for who he is flaws and all because he didn’t do it.  However, our flaws are his weapons and our statements are attacks directed at him personally because he sees nothing else in the center of his world.  But, he brings me coffee just the way I like it.

He has a way of engulfing everything and leaving me suffocating.  I am not sure how he does it or when he does it, but when I break free for a moment of freedom I can feel his release.

My moment of freedom feels like I have snuck out of my room at night and if I am caught the consequences will be too high.  However, these days there is nothing left to ground me from.  I have given up all of my material possessions to survive and maintain the little piece of self I have left.  I have hung onto “home” and it is all I have.

I have been “home” just shy of a year now.  After struggling in this world for almost two years I found a place of safety and comfort.  The strain on me during this transition has been way too twisting to write about, however, I am beginning to emerge.  Life is going back to the normal we all long for and I am beginning to take inventory.  What do I still have? And what have I lost?

I have lost those that find no value in me when I am unable to benefit them.  The most important one of these people was my husband.  He too is a very self-centered, selfish, charismatic man that brought me coffee just the way I like it.  The Goat Man and him are very much the same.  My husband suffocated me in a more passive aggressive fashion and treated the world with a gentler hand, but he did not look down on the world or me any less.  The difference between my husband and The Goat Man is simple.  My husband is not here.  He is not here because he choses not to be and all choices have consequences and fall out.

Both men hear only what suits them.  Both men believe only what fits into their private little worlds and neither of them would dream of looking foolish.  Both men would fight to their stubborn end to be right and miss the importance.  Both men take my love and me for granted.  Neither of them sees me as woman.  Neither of them sees me as an equal.  Neither of them sees me at all, but they both bring me coffee the way I like it.

What have I gained?  I have gained a future that I want.  I have gained a big, stubborn, chaotic, engulfing force to share it with and I have gained my life.  I am no longer controlled, influenced, or scared by others opinions and desires for me.  I no longer spend precious hours of my time pleasing others at the expense of my own happiness.

I have gained and appreciation for love, companionship, and memories.  I have gained the ability to stand here tall and calm while I look down the uncertain path I am on.  I have gained the ability to dream of what may come and make it happen.  I have gained my life and myself.

In my freedom, sitting here and drinking my coffee just the way I like it, I have learned that I don’t need either The Goat Man or my husband.  Their suffocating ways burden my stamina and hinder my climb.  I have had some glimpse of the man that sees me, but sometimes it happens so fast I am not sure of its reality.  I wonder if I hallucinate.

…A kiss on the neck or a smack on the ass…the warm fuzzy feeling that consumes when ‘I love you’ bridges my eardrums…

Today I am awake.  Today is the last day of my sabbatical.  Today I again move forward…. forever forward.

With clasped hands

we begin our next adventure because he is here to bring me my coffee just the way I like it.