Tuesday at two o'clock

               I’m going to finally lose my self, my mind, and my every thing.  I have prayed for this moment for so long.  I am amazed at how easy it is without him.

I’m going to live in Tuesday’s two o’clock.

            Once a long time ago the future held everything.  It held a life to be lived, memories to be made, and dreams to be had.  I rose each morning bright eyed looking to this amazing future, but that was when I had value.

            I had value as a person.  I was the quiet one in the corner, but I still held presence.  I was a mother, a daughter (everyone remembered my name) and I was a woman.  Men looked at me.  Men flirted with me.  Men wanted me as a woman.

            I held value once, but somewhere while striving for my amazing future my value became measured by income.  My looks faded, my eyes wrinkle, and my children grew.  Men stopped looking.  Men stopped flirting.  Men stopped wanting me as a woman.  Even my husband grew weary of intimacy with me.

            My value changed from a loved, respected, woman to money and strength.  I had the strength to continue to be responsible when no one else around me could.  I had the strength to “do what had to be done.”  I was so busy fostering my strength and building my comfortable living I lost my self, my mind, and my every thing.

             At two o’clock today I felt like I again held value, but I was wrong.

            I let all of my possessions go and I have given up my money and my comfortable living looking for the man who places value in a weak, old, unattractive, broke woman.  I had him at two o’clock, but I answered the phone with a giddy laugh and he was gone before my reflexes even knew to react.

            He is a beautiful man with a big heart, soft gentle hands, and a cocky grin that makes everyone around him smile.  He is bull-headed and stubborn and refuses to admit when he is wrong.  But, he has morals, convictions, ideals, and dreams.  He dreams big.  He counts his chickens before they hatch and he use to hold me so tight I didn’t think he would ever let go.  But today at three o’clock he released me from his hug, turned his back, and disappeared into my memories.

            That is when I lost the last few shreds of humanity holding me together.   That is when I stopped moving forward.  That is when I froze at Tuesday and two o’clock.  The one place left where I hold value.

             I was curled up into a ball when he found me.  He has seen me weak and he still held on.  He has seen me strong and he still held on.  He has seen me angry and he has seen me hurt.  He has seen me foolish and childlike, and he has seen me stress over the smallest things.  Every night he held me tighter and every morning he loved me still.

            He didn’t care that my beauty faded, that my eyes wrinkled, and that my children were grown.  He held me close to him and vowed to never let me go.  But yesterday he made me giddy.  Yesterday he made me laugh. Yesterday he let go.

            My value is money and now that I have given up my money my value is gone.  The evidence is in tonight.  I sit alone in my convertible at the end of a Walmart parking lot with everything I own here or in storage.  I am alone.  My husband left when I no longer provided a comfortable living.  The beautiful man found employment today and he is gone.  My daughter can no longer mooch off of me and suck me dry and she is gone.  I am alone because I refuse to buy love.  I am alone because I refuse to settle.  I refuse to accept people who do not see my value through the weakness and the faults.

            I do not know when my value as a person seeped out and my value became money.  I did not see it coming, but I can feel it.  It is this big heavy weight on my chest and this overpowering knowledge in my mind.

            The knowledge that I am not loved for me, the knowledge that I am no longer loveable, and the knowledge that I have no value, no purpose, and no desire for this earth is more pain than I can handle.  This is where my strength weakens.  He is where my strength weakens.

            I am going to live in Tuesday’s two o’clock.  I am going to live like I have value.  I am going to live like I have love.  I am going to pretend I have a future with life to live, memories to make and dreams to have.

           

            I am a woman even if it is not easily seen.  I am the responsible one even when I try to just let it go.  I am the one who will keep going through fever, pain, and fatigue because this world always lets me.  I cry in the shower and I ignore the pain of middle age.  I dread the pain of elderly.  I hold my sensual, sensitive, loving and longing parts of me deep inside.  But, I long for a day when I can trust someone enough to let them in.

            It is Wednesday in my lonely world where I internally combust into hidden tears, but as I head to work I will step into my Tuesday at two o’clock.  I thank God I had that one moment of complete again.  I thank God I for giving me today, so I can continue to search for somebody who sees my value.