Here I go again...

August 10, 2013 0102

            The woods are dark.  The sky has small specs for stars, but nothing that twinkles tonight.  I am tired of wondering what is coming next.  I am tired of fighting because everyone is scared, stressed, and full of doubt.  I do think about suicide. 

            I think about the most cost effective way to do it.  I have not been able to formulate a good plan yet, but I am tired of being a burden.  The Goat Man does not understand how dependent on him I am.  I am acutely aware how much I slow him down.

            He is full of charisma and people like him.  He has no anxiety talking to people and he can make everybody laugh.  He is so wonderful in a group, but after a year I still cannot get his attention.

            The Goat Man thinks I have all of these deep thoughts.  I put his clothes in a white garbage bag separate from my clothes in the basket.  I didn’t want to lose anything and my plan was to fit everything into one basket when the laundry was done.  I still have a load in my friends dryer.  But he thinks I separated his clothes because I was planning on leaving him.  Leaving The Goat Man never crosses my mind.

            In the downpour today the clothesbasket got wet.  We had a garbage bag around it, but it did not get tied.  When I found it I was irritated and voiced my fear that everything just washed was soaked.  It turns out just a couple things on the top.  But because I wasn’t happy with the rain The Goat Man thinks I was telling him that he did something wrong.

            I don’t have these deep thoughts.  I do think the sun rises with him, but unless he has the power to control thunderstorms and rain it had nothing to do with him.  I am constantly being accused of things that didn’t even cross my mind because he is spending all of his time looking for ulterior motives.  I don’t have any.

            The Goat Man would say I mad him look bad and that I am always making myself a ‘perfect princess’ that does nothing wrong.  I don’t have thoughts that deep.  I have never said I don’t do things wrong.  I am just as human as the next person.

            He told me tonight that I have been picking fights with him.  He said he has been watching me.  He has been waiting for that ulterior motive I do not have.  People will live up to their expectations.  He expects me to fight with him and he will make sure it happens.

            I know he is worried.  I know he is stressed.  I know he is in pain.  And I know he is afraid.  He is his worst critic and hates himself because he isn’t taking care of me the way he wants to.  I know he loves me.  I know he did not want to walk away tonight.  I know he will miss me in the morning.

            There is no talking to him when he is like this.  I know it doesn’t matter what I do, feel, or think.  The Goat Man is protecting his vulnerable parts right now.  I know I am not okay without him.

            I sit in the dark woods at Starkey Park.  I left Crews Lake tonight after he walked away shouting things he knows are not true, but will hurt me.  I tried not to end that way.  I wanted the last words he heard from me to be nice, but I am not sure if I kept my cool.  It all seems like a blur now.

            I am alone now.  The Goat Man is alone now.  I am worried about him.  He said his ankle was throbbing and I wanted to message it and take the pain away.  I wanted to sit in the truck and watch his chest rise and fall.  I already miss him.