We crumble together

August 12, 2013 1538

            Wow! I have a food stamp card.  I don’t really want to use it.  Aren’t those things for people who are poor and need help?  I just activated it while I sat using McDonald’s free Internet yet again.  I’m not even buying a dollar soda today.  I don’t have that kind of money.  I have to send out a special “hello and thank you.” to Dylan.  He works here at our McDonalds of choice.  He is always polite and friendly.

            I cannot say enough good things about the Rope Center in Hudson, Florida.  They are a small organization with little resources, but they have the heart of millions.  The small things they have given us (a hot meal, assistance with the food stamps, an address we can use to get The Goat Man’s driver’s license) have made huge impact on our circumstances.

            The Goat Man has been a big worry for me the past week.  He is having more dreams about the twenty years he worked natural disasters.  I see him as a hero, but he sees himself as a bad man.  He tears himself up inside.

            He has a heroic nature.  Once as a passerby he jumped into a river and pulled out a kid who jumped off a bridge in attempts to kill himself.  The Goat Man saved him and then the family sued him, but he continues to be heroic.  He stopped his car, jumped out, and ran into a burning building.  He doesn’t give it any thought.  If he can help somebody he does.

            One night we had finally settled into bed about midnight exhausted when we heard a woman scream, “Help me!”  Before my brain could process anything The Goat Man was dressed and out the door to help.

            When we walked down the trail and met Cindy and Corey the first thing he said was, “I will fix the zipper on your tent later.”  He is my hero.  He has saved me so many times.  I have waited so many precious minutes away waiting for him to talk to everyone he passes and help him or her if he can.

            He won’t tell me much about his job, but I know he was at 911, Katrina, and Joplin Mississippi after three hurricanes demolished everything.  He has been the beautiful face to so many praying for help.  He has been the asshole with a gun for those trying to stay in their home when it wasn’t safe.  He has been the strong one after it was over and nothing else could be done except respect the dead and clean up.

            The night we spent at Megan’s house he was having a really bad time.  We settled in the bed to sleep.  I was so happy to be able to lay (I can never remember when to use lay vs. lie) next to him.  It has been a really long time since I was able to sleep in his arms where it is safe.  My eyes closed and The Goat Man jumped out of bed!

            “Get off me!  We have to go!”

            “What?”

            “All of the compartments have to be evacuated!”  He was not nice.  He stood naked before me with his arm on mine trying to pull me out of the house.  I was still sleeping.

            “Can we get dressed?”  He paused.  Called me derogatory names as he put on his shorts and I put on my pajamas, then he pulled me out of the room.  We reached the outside of the house and he began to walk to the right.

            I must admit I was hurt, mad, tired, and exhausted.  I simply went back in the house, locked the door and went back to bed.  I listened to him hollering for the compartments to be emptied praying he didn’t try to evacuate the neighbors.

            After a few minutes he appeared in the door calm.  I have no idea how he got in the house and found me.  He always seems to find me.  He always asks me how to help him.  On some level he must know I am safe.

            “Where am I?”

            “We are at Megan’s.  Are you gonna come to bed?”

            “What am I doing?”

            “Let’s go have a cigarette.”

            “Ok…yes…where?”  I took this big teddy bear to the back porch.  He smoked three cigarettes telling me about the disaster in sentences and jargon that amounted to gibberish to me, and then we went to bed.  He was not nice at all!  But I felt better with him in the bed next to me.  He snored all night.

            In the morning I was faced with my fear.  Like an epiphany it hit me.  I am so afraid I am not appealing to him.  My hair needs a haircut; I cannot keep up with the beauty things like my nails, eyebrows, and facial hair.  My clothes are dirty and stained.  I feel fat, ugly, dirty, and undesirable.  Both of us are so concerned with survival we are partners on the deepest level, but we are no longer lovers.

            I am so happy to be writing everyday and I don’t ever want to stop.  I want to finish my book, Bird Beast.  I want to finish my screenplay, video game, and start on my Halfling.  But I am going to have to go back to nursing.

            I would rather work in a smelly dirty shop for Labor Ready than go back to nursing.  I want to focus on my writing and my PhD.  I am struggling with school and that is a new experience for me.  I can only stay strong if The Goat Man does, but we are both crumbling together.