Friday the thirteenth

September 13 2013 1428

            It is Friday the 13^th and I have so much to tell you from purple toenails to dead cats.  The Goat Man and I have now been having adventures for a year and I have so much bottled up inside me.  However, the Internet is not the place for my deepest feelings.  But, when I get the book finished….  The book will be a very good read.

            I know the posts have been slowing down, but my responsibility is increasing.  I have been finishing my schoolwork and trying to write in avenues that create money.  Although, I love writing everyday and wish I could just do simply that my homelessness has required job searches and such.

            The last couple of weeks have been the hardest for me.  Thank you so much to Kat for the accommodations and hospitality.  Thank you so much to every single person who has helped The Goat Man and I along the way.  Even the very small things matter and I cannot thank everyone enough for the big things they have done.

            The last couple of weeks have been the hardest because emotionally I have made a lot of realizations and the answers to my questions have not all been what I wanted to hear.  I have learned a few lessons.

1.     The truth always comes out.  It doesn’t matter if you are only lying to me or if you are even lying to yourself, the truth comes out.

2.     If what just happened is so hurtful to me that I tell you that you need to leave threatening me is not the best choice.  And once I have asked you more than once to leave and you refuse I am no longer responsible; you are.

3.     No matter how nice you are, how accommodating you are, or how honest you are if you do not matter there is nothing that can be done to change that.

            I have been living in a fantasy that someday my worth would be validated.  I honestly believed that I deserved the attention of others, but I now see that it doesn’t matter what I deserve.  It only matters if they want to give it.

            My life has been sorting itself out around me.  I have been crumbling in the chaos.  However, today I realized that only I could control me.  Only I care what happens to me, therefore, I need to take control and stop waiting for others to help me. 

            My entire adult life I have been in charge, in control, and left responsible.  I could trust no one.  I have wished for somebody to relieve me of the chaos inside and I thought somebody would love me enough to do it someday.  I have spent all of my somedays looking, searching, and praying for this person.  However, they never came.  I now realize they never will.  I will never be able to release this stress and chaos.

            I started a new file today.  I had the last file reaching close to 100pages.  I thought I would start a new file when we were no longer homeless, but it doesn’t look like that day will come anytime soon.  So, today after the epiphany yesterday, I start a new file.

            Let us start with the purple toenails….