The "jist" of it.

September 8, 2013 1024

            I am starting to loose track of time.  I have lost the sense of specifics in my life.  I have always been the type of person that just wanted the “jist” of things anyway, but now it seems to be the way of everything. 

            I am learning concepts on a level I never thought I could understand them.  I have learned about things like love, commitment, want, and attraction.  I am learning concepts like patience and faith.  I have been learning not to count chickens before they hatch, but to pay attention to the chickens that hatched before.

            Love is all of the little things and commitment is all of the large things.  Love is the coffee The Goat Man brings me every morning without my request.  Commitment is The Goat Man still sitting next to me and watching TV after all of the adventures before this post.  Attraction is the sub-conscious smell of the pheromones of the other or some physical trait that pulled The Goat Man to me and pulled me to him.  Want is the concept of trouble these days.

            Want is the collage of love, commitment, and attraction.  Want has a dash of lust, a pitch of desire, and a sprinkle of laughter.  Want is the one thing that separates your significant other from all the other people you love, are committed to, and attracted to.  I love my parents.  I am committed to my schoolwork.  I am attracted to Hugh Grant.  However, I only want those most special to me.

            It is the inability to stop thinking of them when you walk through a store and everything would make a perfect birthday present.  The fact you know when their birthday is, what their favorite thing is, and at least three things you know irritate them.  This component of want is interest.

            Interest is wondering what they are thinking about a certain subject, needing to know what they did all day while they were apart from you, and hanging on every word of their story.

            Want is that feeling that grows fuzzy in your belly when you catch them eye-to-eye for a long second and they smile.  Want is the sexual thought that follows that minuscule connection.  Want drives you to reach out and touch them in the middle of the night just because you need to know they are there.  Want drives you to kiss them, flirt with them, and make sexual jokes with them.

            Want is the feeling that leaves you unable to resist lusting after them, loving them, considering them, and spending time with them.  Want is the drive that keeps them your top interest and your top thought always.

            Commitment stands alone.  If there is love, attraction, and want the commitment can be more wonderful, however, it stands alone.  Love is very close, but yet still separate.  Attractions leads to love but nothing more.  However, want must be full of all of the above components or it crumbles to a fake lie.  Want cannot be faked.

            I struggle with want.  The entire concept feels unreachable and I am left with only patience and faith.  I have patiently waited full of faith that tomorrow the phone will ring and I will be selected to teach at Central Florida Institute.  I have faith.  I have stronger faith than I have ever possessed that my God will see me through this.

            I want the instructor job because I have no other options for survival.  However, my want for the job also contains love, commitment, and attraction.  I try to keep my mind off of the decisions I must make tomorrow.  The decisions I am unable to make until I know if I have gotten the job.  So, today I cling to faith and patience.

            I do not feel alone.  I feel like I have the spirit of my God walking with me.  I can almost feel his hand on my shoulder.  Last week I felt like the anxiety and stress were building each morning when I woke to the point where I thought I was losing all control.  But the morning after I felt I could not go another day I woke with my God here with me.  I have faith.

            I am having trouble with patience because I am losing track of the hours and minutes.  I am living in the “jist” of life and the days are flying by, but taking forever all at the same time.

            Here in the “jist” of concepts The Goat Man and I are starting our love over.  We are reconnecting since the chaos of the woods tore us apart.  September 10^th will be one year since the insult that started us.  It has been the best and worst year of our lives.

            Tonight, after I finished my class project, The Goat Man and I went to Capone’s in Spring Hill and had a few drinks and a good conversation with an old friend.  We were both friends with Mike L. in high school.  It is amazing how much people change in the first twenty years of their adulthood.

            Mike L., however, has not change very much at all.  It was nice to be able to go into public and spend time with The Goat Man like we had a normal life and a home to go back to.  I cashed in my retirement; so, hopefully right after I hear I have the job we will be able to find a home.

            I am watching The Shining right now and find myself very grateful for the comfort Kat has provided.  She really is wonderful and has always been a good friend to me.  I have been around to see that she is a good friend to everyone.  She is simply a sweet person.  But, even with these comforts, it is not the same as being at home.

            Friends are another concept The Goat Man and I struggle with.  My grand father told me once that if I was lucky enough to have one true friend in my life I was blessed.  As a young adult this concept seemed ridicules, however, now I cherish the value of friends.

            I remember cancer patient after cancer patient coming into the infusion room talking about how the word “cancer” sorted out the riff raff in their lives.  Sometimes, it surprises us how quickly those we trusted flee in our time of need.  The Goat Man and I have discovered some friends we did not see until they came to our aid, even when we didn’t ask.

            Time has been surreal, but our company as of late has been much needed.  It has been some much needed time to reflect and relax.  

            I would like to end my post by saying Happy Birthday to two little boys that have been brought into my life Noah and Seth.  It is a pleasure knowing you both.  How fitting that it is grandparent's day.