Do you believe everything you read?

October 30, 2013  0730

I have in my head that I read once that when a person reads something they believe it more than if it is told to them.  Because I know I read it someplace I believe it.  As a writer who freely uses “poetic justice” to tell my stories I am amazed at how much I believe the written word.

I am going in today for six needle biopsies of my thyroid.  I have what the written word says is a “large grey and unclear area.”  This written word is enough to elicit action.  Today we do a biopsy and they do tests.  However, the tests will not be believed until it is again in the written form.

When a criminal goes to court they do not submit a written account of what happened they get on the stand and tell the judge and jury.  However, the evidence is paper and the court writes down what is said.  If the trial should move to the higher court the written word goes, but not the people.

I have always claimed that actions speak louder than words and as I sit here today I still believe that.  What I believe more firmly is the fact that no action is an action. When people do nothing or say nothing the message is almost always louder.

Then there is the old rhyme about sticks and stones that says, “Words may never hurt me.”  Well, I am here to tell you that the world is not fair and words do major damage.

One of the most humiliating things in my life is when my second husband, Joe calmly and without malice told me that I was “too fat to fuck.”  I was devastated that I had chosen one man to spend the rest of my life with and let him be the only man I shared my intimate self with and now I wasn’t good enough.

But what hurt the most is when his actions made it clear he really did not want to share this part of his life with me.  For the next several years I was turned down in every way possible.  I was turned down nicely, rudely, crudely, and without a care in the world.  His words and his actions hurt me, but they apparently did not convince me because I kept asking.

I kept asking and I kept getting the same rejection.  It came to the point where I could see the rejection before I asked.  He would do certain behaviors or say certain things about being tired or not feeling well as a preemptive strike to avoid telling me no.

His actions, his lack of actions, became more believable every day.  He said less and less about it.  His words did not continue to hurt me, but his lack of them did.  I had stopped hearing sexual advances at first, but eventually I stopped hearing “beautiful” he stopped telling me he loved me, and he stopped talking to me in any way other than a roommate.  His lack of words hurt me more than anything.

So actions become more powerful the more they are completed.  Words become more hurtful the more they are said, but do the most damage when they stop being said.  Would the last years of our marriage been different if he hadn’t written his feelings down?  Is this why divorce is a written document?

I now keep hearing that I “do nothing” and that I “sit on my fat ass all day.”  I personally believe this is a case of projecting, but no matter why they are thrown at me does not matter.  Maybe I should just ask him to write them down for me, so we could move on.

But when I sit with myself and think about it, I am not upset about the words.  The words themselves really do not hurt me, but his belief of my effort does.  As a daughter of my father and as a woman who “does what has to be done” being called lazy is worse than being called a slut or a whore.

 

I have several jobs. 

1. Taking care of I.H.

2. Fusion healthcare

3. The unconventional contributing author and blog Webmaster

4. Student working on my PhD

5. Examiner.com. 

Just to name the professional jobs.  This does not count the jobs I have because I am a female and I interact with others.  I am a mother, for instance, and always will be.  I am also trying to foster my own writing and finish the book I am in the middle of. 

Things are slacking because I am so busy.  I feel like I am going to be crushed under the weight.  I received a 50/100 on my work in school last week.  Now that is a written number I believe!  That is a written number that hurts.  That is proof that I was lazy.

I have one more day to write an article for examiner.com or they take me off their payroll.  It has been way too long since I wrote here on The Goat Man.  But it is the concept that he refuses to see all of the things I do.

I started a load at 0600 went to work, cooked meals, did homework (apparently half assed) and at 2200 I took the cloths out of the dryer and folded and put them away.  I also washed all of the dishes and put them on the towel to dry before I left for work.  I took I.H. to the bathroom and got her ready for my absence. 

He keeps screaming at me that I say he doesn’t do anything and no matter what he does it is not good enough.  I have never said those words to him.  He says them all the time and he believes them.  I am in trouble now because I just wrote them down.  He tells me I need somebody “up my ass” because I request a kiss or ask for an I love you instead of always hearing I love you too.

As I drove home from the Doctor I realized it is devils night and I live in a haunted house.  I.H. is praying and The Goat Man is freaking out...Lord please give me strength.