Letter to the Little Goat Men

September 23, 2013 1027

Dear Little Goat Men,           

            I met this man in the woods.  He was rude.  He was crude and he insulted me.  But he smiled with his eyes, played with his heart, and he took a liking to me.  As my shoes became more and more ruined and my dress pants became covered in dust with all those poky things clinging to it (I did not even own a pair of jeans when I met The Goat Man) he was flirting with me.

            I sat in my almost new car on the edge of what he calls the turtle ponds when this rugged, sexy, man from the halls of my high school leaned down and kissed me.  Growing up with him and sharing in all the early shenanigans of our youth was not as intense as this moment.

            “I couldn’t resist.  Your just to beautiful.”  He smiled that boyish grin with his eyes that makes a heart dance.  We had only been into our first day together as a couple and not just friends for about an hour.  It was so surreal looking at this man I have shared life events with for two thirds of my life as a sexy man interested in me.  This man I first met through my first husband when I was 13 years old.  Wow! It is amazing where the world takes a person.  The familiar become wanted.

            I have only seen the man I saw that moment a few times in the past year and he is really hard to find now, but for a minute I was too beautiful for him to resist.

            So much has happened in this past year.  I slowly watched that man lose his smile.  I don’t see anything but stress and pain in his eyes anymore.  I lost the man I love.  He finally admitted what I have known yesterday.  Now I sit here on the little couch and watch him sleep on the big couch.  He rests like a man who has no care in the world. 

            The stress in his face relaxes and his breathing is even and rhythmic.  His hair falls across his perfect stern silhouette and his hands lay across him with fingers open and relaxed.  He looks strong.  He looks like a safe place to be.  He looks beautiful.  I think he will always look beautiful to me.

            He looks beautiful to me even though I know his mind is racing and he fights to collect his thoughts.  I know that most of the little things he did yesterday he has already forgotten and that stresses him.  Because of the ADHD, that has been untreated the entire time I have known him, he fights with feelings of being incomplete in some way.  He is his worst critic and he is his worst enemy.  The scattered thoughts of ADHD are nothing compared to the tornado of memories and thoughts that haunt him.

            He holds in things that a weaker person would not be able to handle.  He holds in things, so that no body else has to experience them.  He knows things on a level of emotion first and thought second, but cannot feel, think, or speak about them.  He does that because he is a hidden hero.  He is one of those people that protect the masses he has never met because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  He has always been the sturdy statue taking the hurt and responsibility for everyone else, even in high school he internalized his world inside himself. 

            This internalization is a quality alcoholics have.  Over the years I have known many alcoholics.  My brother, my second husband, and my son all battle with alcohol.  The Goat Man is coming to the place we all eventually come to where we care more about what we think about ourselves than what other people think of us.  I remember when I went through that phase.  My life changed for the better. 

            This peacefully sleeping man is in inner turmoil, but he holds it in.  However, it seeps out in his blood pressure.  In the past year his blood pressure has threatened to take this wonderful rock away from me, away from you (The little Goat Men), and away from this world.  The woman that does not know her place accuses me of taking The Goat Man away from you.  But, today I am talking to the little Goat Men and no else.  The children that never leave his thoughts, the children he wishes he could see every day, hear their voice every day, and hold them close to him.  The children he dreams of taking places and showing them the world.  The children he strives to make into adults.  He takes crap that is illegal to keep the peace so that he may see those children that have his heart.

            I am here to tell you that the world is rarely what you see.  There is always her story, his story, and the story.  As children you are stuck inside the woman who does not know her place’s story filled with old wounds, old memories, and emotions that cloud her ability to see.  The only time I have ever seen The Goat Man weak was when she abused his love for you for her personal satisfaction and need for control.

            Your dad will, without thought, remove his pride, lower his self-respect, and most of all bite his tongue and let her tell lies so that he may have the opportunity to see you, talk to you, and be near you.  Because your father always has what is best for you in mind and he knows this time in all of your lives is difficult, he chooses to do (or not do) certain things to make life better for his children.

            I stand here on the outside looking in and watching.  I have been where your mother is and I have been where your father is and I ask that you pass judgment only after you can see the whole picture.  Parenting does not come with a manual or any guidelines.  Every child is a unique individual and requires different things.  There is not a single parent that did not make mistakes, but that is part of what shapes us into who we are.  What is important to remember is the love.  The Goat Man loves his children more than he loves anything else on this earth and everything he does or doesn’t do is with that love in mind.

            I have been accused of taking him from you.  The idea that I could do that is ludicrous.  You children are the only thing that has truly ever had The Goat Man’s heart.  So, I beg you to consider:

•            The Goat Man came to live with me when he no longer had a place to stay.  I drove him to see you.  I gave him a place to bring you on visits.  I drove him up to two and a half hours even after working a twelve-hour shift to accommodate your mother’s demands.  I drove him at times when she refused to let you visit.

•              He has been talking to you on the phone I bought him with the minutes I pay for.  Unfortunately this is a hard time for him, but we both have made sure you kids are still (and always will be) the biggest part of The Goat Man’s life.

•            The Goat Man and I have had several vacations planned that we asked to take you on, but we were denied the right to even talk to you on the phone.

•             Do you know how many visits or how many calls you were denied?  Please consider the possibility that The Goat Man wasn’t there because he was not allowed.

•             My children did not get Christmas presents last Christmas because I spent an entire paycheck on Christmas presents for The Goat Man to buy you presents. 

•              I have driven The Goat Man to the camping site and lived without him for weeks, so that he could spend time with his kids.  Often he was unable because the woman who doesn’t know her place stood in the way.

•             When he had his stroke and stopped breathing on my living room floor and I performed c.p.r. And took him to the hospital he was mad at me for two weeks, but we both still have him here.  However, when he rolled the machinery in the middle of his camping trip specifically to spend time with you and he lay injured for three days in the tent your mother sent me a message saying I needed to come get him and take him away because she no longer wanted him around.  I was in a panic 1300 miles away calling the police to check on him and worried he would not get the medical attention he needed.  After three days The Goat Man finally called me and asked for help.  I had left The Goat Man to be with you kids and I am homeless now because I spent the last of the money I had to help him, protect him, and love him, so that we can both have him in our lives.

            I love The Goat Man more than my own life, but I do not love him more than I love my own children.  This is how The Goat Man feels about me.  Children always come first and I would gladly step aside for you kids, but that will not bring your father home.

            I know it is difficult when you are only a child and have only the control given to you from adults.  But, even as children you can realize that the whole story is difficult to see.  I have the experience of 42 years on my side and I have been around a few blocks, so I am better at seeing the whole picture of life and it concerns me that you kids must be in turmoil.  I am so sorry you are in this position, but I have faith that you will be stronger because of it.

            Please remember you only have one set of parents and no matter the mistakes that may be made by both of them they are irreplaceable.  Do not let anyone ever tell you to feel differently than you feel.  It is okay to love anyone you want for whatever reasons you want.  Listen to everything said and then weigh it against what you see, know, and feel.  The only two people who know any relationship are the two people in it.

Love Always,

Dr. Grandma and The Goat Man