It is how many times you get back up.

August 13, 2013 1429

            Today is my 'Almost' Anniversary with Joe.  I wanted to call him, but knew he would not take the call.  I also know that if he took the call it might lead to places I don't really want to go.  I just don't care enough about anything or anyone right now to make a phone call.

           The Goat Man and I became rubble today.  After a year of trying to get his attention I have realized I never will.  After fighting last night, sleeping in separate places, and discussing how we needed to stick together today I asked him point blank as he climbed out of the truck.

            “You are coming back?”

            “Yes, I am going to clean up the campsite, take a shower, and I’ll be right back.”  He walked off.  Last night he started complaining that his butt was burning and itching.  He was extremely anxious to get into the shower and see what he could do to fix that.  It seemed to consume his every thought.  So, I waited in the truck.

            Two hours later I went down the trail to the campsite because I had to pee.  I look straight ahead and The Goat Man is standing at the picnic table of all the other campers shirtless talking.  He waved.  I continued to the campsite.

            When I arrived at the campsite to pee I noted it had not been cleaned up yet.  I pissed next to the tree. (it is becoming second nature anymore <sigh>)  Then, I walked over to where The Goat Man stood smiling and having a good time when I realized he had not even been in the shower yet.

            I completely lost it!  I guess his butt wasn’t burning all that bad!  I screamed.  I hollered. I cussed.  I went back to the truck and drove here to McDonalds.  The Goat Man never tried to stop me.  He went back to laughing with his friends.  I have called several times, but he doesn’t answer and he hasn’t called.  I’ve been here two hours and thirty-seven minutes now.

            Since the night at Megan’s I have been begging for time with The Goat Man.  I have asked him to stop putting me at the bottom of his priority list.  When I ask for something I hear, “hold on”, “just a minute” , or “let me finish this first.”  I guess I have had enough.

            Two hours I never crossed his mind.  I am now and always have been standing outside looking in.  I am not allowed to participate in The Goat Man’s life.  He keeps me separate and after a year of feeling unimportant I have had enough.

            I firmly believe actions speak louder than words.

            The numbness that is over my general being today is heavy.  I don’t care to do anything, but sleep.  I am thinking about going back to the campground and doing just that.  I have to leave the park tomorrow. 

            I keep thinking about what I use to write on the classroom board everyday before class. “Failure is not an option.  Negativity is not accepted.  Because it is not how many times you fall that matters, but how many times you get up.”

            I keep thinking it, but it doesn’t seem to help this weight in my chest.  I don’t think I could cry if I tried.  I’ve got Georgia on my mind.