Lord hear my prayer

August 18, 2013 1224

            The shower here is nice, but it is not the same.  The water was hot, but I was much more refreshed in the woods.  Maybe it was how icky the bug guts made us feel before the shower.  It has been nice to have air conditioning.  Today is nice and I am finally able to write.  Tomorrow back to the grind of looking for work.

            I miss going to church.  I would have gone to church today if I knew where a catholic church was in this area.  Gas is still an issue.  I lay in bed this morning and prayed.  I just wanted to talk to God today.

            This time last year I was riding a bike around Mackinaw Island.  I didn’t have a care in the world.  But I am not allowed to miss my life before now.  I have to survive and the consequences require I forget about everything before.  It is a double standard that will leave me homeless and alone.  So, I talked to God this morning.  He already knows how I feel.

            The best feeling in the world is to wake up laying with my head on his chest and his big strong arms holding me to him.  When I hear the grumble of his morning voice I know I am where I am suppose to be, but I still remember.

            I remember last week as the sun falls in the sky watching The Goat Man cook the last of our steak on the grill at Starkey Park.  We ate on a large glass plate given to us by Crystal and Dave.  The Goat Man cut up the meat with a small saw we kept in the truck.

            We ate steak for an entire week, but it was better than the pickle bologna we ate for the first week.  I love steak and it was really good tender steak, but even I am tired of steak.  I am not interested in any food right now.

            I was disappointed when the park ranger came and informed us the park closed in ten minutes.  I was having such a great time just being with The Goat Man.  It is so surreal to realize the only place you have to cook your meal is a park that is about to close.

            This morning I woke up in a soft bed with my legs stretched out.  I had a shower in hot water, and I am able to eat and cook any time I want.  Why do I still feel so empty?  Why do I still feel so useless?

            The woods have left me with scars all over my legs.  I am finding bruises in places I have never bruised.  I do not know how most of them got there.  How will I ever look okay in a dress again?  I have had rashes under my breast where I am now permanently discolored.  How will I ever comfortably be naked again?  I cannot control my weight and hair growth.

            At some point during our stay at Crews Lake my deodorant, make-up, and Midol went among the missing.  I become less appealing and less of a woman every day.  I just pray somebody will find me beautiful when this is all over.  Amen.